Let's face it folks®, we, as today's audience of 18-24 year olds™, have no interest in anything important with any kind of long-lasting cultural legacy© or impact™ whatsoever, since that would mean it's old, and old things are lame®. While Godzilla®™ may have become such a recognized figure in international ©ulture for nearly 60 years** because of the inherent timelessness® of the ©haracter which transcends the more dated aspects of any individual entry in the series™, today's audiences© have no interest in anything that isn't grey, ©GI, completely homogenous™, and in a bold, white, block-letter font that glows blue® while a loud booming explosion sound™ plays in the background. And if there's no zombies in it, you can just ignore it altogether. The idea that at one time real, skilled craftsmen® and artists™ actually made the fucking movies with their hands, creating a look that's not simply "®ealistic" but is legitimately real, is frankly beyond ridiculous, and despite the fact that I own every episode© of "Heki! Heki! Supaa Kentai Mega-Happii Deruxe Girl-Loli Captain No.5: Sexy Panic in World War II: Please buy our stupid shit, Americans and Perverts!©" on DVD™ and Razordisc® I can't bring myself to accept that Japan is capable of having it's own heritage and traditions when they come into conflict with what's marketable™. Why should a bunch of stupid Japs, who fucking invented monster movies know anything about special effects®?
But don't worry, folks, Hollywood™ has set them straight and did Godzilla™® right this time, and I'm here to tell you all about it:
We find out that the monster in the traile® isn't even in the fucking movie©. Now, I don't know about you guys™, but that's pretty awesome®, right? On top of this "monster movie™" not containing any actual visible monsters©***, the one other monster© that we were shown in the trailer® wasn't even fucking in it, instead being replaced by what might be either an Evangelion™ or Cloverfield® thing, which is just special. Who needs trailers to advertise the actual content of the movie and not just spew a bunch of fucking lies©? Not me, that's for sure.
So please, check out Godzilla®™ in theatres today, spend as much money© as possible, buy™ all the toys and related products®, OBEY, CONSUME, and remember to always abstain from voting©. Hollywood© and Google® are your new gods now, and we shouldn't fight them. Let's just sit back and let them slowly destroy everything we love™ because, god damnit, I'm too lazy and fat to do it myself, and that's the true American Dream®™©.****
*Special thanks© to Google+™ for licensing out the ©oncepts of memory™, time™, and personal identity™ for the process of reviewing© this film which I am contractually obligated to not say anything bad about®.
**I read on BuzzFeed® that Godzilla®™'s birthday© is November 4th®, which is probably correct just like everything else they post, so I'm not going to bother checking even so much as Wikipedia®. Have you figured out yet that the character I'm doing here is a fucking moron?
***Welcome to the next level visibility. In the future when Google® replaces out eyeballs© with webcameras™ that can track us with GPS® at birth, you'll be glad you didn't get to see™ any of it.
****The American Dream™©® is a wholly owned subsidiary of Google® and Hollywood© Products™ Inc.™©®