Sunday, May 18, 2014

"Godzilla™® 2014©" ®eview™

As a long time G-Fan™, I can say with complete certainty® that there are few films© in recent memory®* that I have looked forward to quite as much as Hollywood™ Inc.® Enterprises© Worldwide's® rebootversioningmake of the classic character of Godzilla®™ or ゴジラ as he is known in his native land, Japan© (which I am contractually obligated to treat as superior to all other countries), which I have been paid to forget about completely as he is no longer relevant©.

Let's face it folks®, we, as today's audience of 18-24 year olds™, have no interest in anything important with any kind of long-lasting cultural legacy© or impact™ whatsoever, since that would mean it's old, and old things are lame®. While Godzilla®™ may have become such a recognized figure in international ©ulture for nearly 60 years** because of the inherent timelessness® of the ©haracter which transcends the more dated aspects of any individual entry in the series™, today's audiences© have no interest in anything that isn't grey, ©GI, completely homogenous™, and in a bold, white, block-letter font that glows blue® while a loud booming explosion sound™ plays in the background. And if there's no zombies in it, you can just ignore it altogether. The idea that at one time real, skilled craftsmen® and artists™ actually made the fucking movies with their hands, creating a look that's not simply "®ealistic" but is legitimately real, is frankly beyond ridiculous, and despite the fact that I own every episode© of "Heki! Heki! Supaa Kentai Mega-Happii Deruxe Girl-Loli Captain No.5: Sexy Panic in World War II: Please buy our stupid shit, Americans and Perverts!©" on DVD™ and Razordisc® I can't bring myself to accept that Japan is capable of having it's own heritage and traditions when they come into conflict with what's marketable™. Why should a bunch of stupid Japs, who fucking invented monster movies know anything about special effects®?

But don't worry, folks, Hollywood™ has set them straight and did Godzilla™® right this time, and I'm here to tell you all about it:

So the film-like-substance® begins with Dr. Keith and Jill Llewellyn©. One of them dies when the Gryphon™ is awakened by a poorly defined event in Japan©, and then the other one dies later after listening to the Bloop™ leads them to Godzilla's™® birthing chamber, and they drown in the red-black amniotic fluid© after waking it up with a bunch of radios or some other dumb fucking thing that I love and is awesome®. After this, we follow the pair's huge douchebag, meathead, hulking cis army guy with a buzzcut®™© for the entire duration of the movie, which is awesome because I love the army™ and stuff, especially Call of Booty: Booty Calls for the Big Brother's Boxstation ©451, and I'm also some kind of enormous jackass®, so the character is easily relatable for me. He joins up with Dr. Serizawa™®, a weird Japanese guy who's name© I don't recognize but I'm sure isn't some sort of huge contradiction and bastardization of an existing character that Hollywood™© just fucked right up the ass because fuck you if you've seen of the original movies, who happened to be at both incidents and survived because he's a main character and tension® isn't really important.

So the monsters® show up in Honolulu™, where we see glimpses of their faces© for a few seconds in the dark while the camera follows the, let's face© it, far more important human drama™ of this one character who I'm totally a fan of® and doesn't make me nauseous or angry© at all trying to save a Kenny™ from a monster™ that we never get to see except for some video game® jump cuts©. Oh, and then Godzilla®™ and the Gryphon™® fight, but only on shaky cam on TV in a series of quick cuts that, with normal human vision™ are impossible to decipher, and so the film© is best viewed with the Google®™© Glass®®® "What the fuck am I looking at?™" app available for mobile and on your webcam© which Google owns as well. This all makes a lot of sense to me, because it's hard to imagine™ that anyone possibly came to see a movie called "Godzilla™®" expecting to see two suitmation® monsters© fight each other. That would just be stupid, what we® really want from Godzilla™® is to follow around some stupid fucking army guy while bayformers© fight in the rain just off camera™.

We find out that the monster in the traile® isn't even in the fucking movie©. Now, I don't know about you guys™, but that's pretty awesome®, right? On top of this "monster movie™" not containing any actual visible monsters©***, the one other monster© that we were shown in the trailer® wasn't even fucking in it, instead being replaced by what might be either an Evangelion™ or Cloverfield® thing, which is just special. Who needs trailers to advertise the actual content of the movie and not just spew a bunch of fucking lies©? Not me, that's for sure.

So please, check out Godzilla®™ in theatres today, spend as much money© as possible, buy™ all the toys and related products®, OBEY, CONSUME, and remember to always abstain from voting©. Hollywood© and Google® are your new gods now, and we shouldn't fight them. Let's just sit back and let them slowly destroy everything we love™ because, god damnit, I'm too lazy and fat to do it myself, and that's the true American Dream®™©.****

*Special thanks© to Google+™ for licensing out the ©oncepts of memory™, time™, and personal identity™ for the process of reviewing© this film which I am contractually obligated to not say anything bad about®.

**I read on BuzzFeed® that Godzilla®™'s birthday© is November 4th®, which is probably correct just like everything else they post, so I'm not going to bother checking even so much as Wikipedia®. Have you figured out yet that the character I'm doing here is a fucking moron?

***Welcome to the next level visibility. In the future when Google® replaces out eyeballs© with webcameras™ that can track us with GPS® at birth, you'll be glad you didn't get to see™ any of it.

****The American Dream™©® is a wholly owned subsidiary of Google® and Hollywood© Products™ Inc.™©®

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