Sunday, May 18, 2014

"Godzilla™® 2014©" ®eview™

As a long time G-Fan™, I can say with complete certainty® that there are few films© in recent memory®* that I have looked forward to quite as much as Hollywood™ Inc.® Enterprises© Worldwide's® rebootversioningmake of the classic character of Godzilla®™ or ゴジラ as he is known in his native land, Japan© (which I am contractually obligated to treat as superior to all other countries), which I have been paid to forget about completely as he is no longer relevant©.

Let's face it folks®, we, as today's audience of 18-24 year olds™, have no interest in anything important with any kind of long-lasting cultural legacy© or impact™ whatsoever, since that would mean it's old, and old things are lame®. While Godzilla®™ may have become such a recognized figure in international ©ulture for nearly 60 years** because of the inherent timelessness® of the ©haracter which transcends the more dated aspects of any individual entry in the series™, today's audiences© have no interest in anything that isn't grey, ©GI, completely homogenous™, and in a bold, white, block-letter font that glows blue® while a loud booming explosion sound™ plays in the background. And if there's no zombies in it, you can just ignore it altogether. The idea that at one time real, skilled craftsmen® and artists™ actually made the fucking movies with their hands, creating a look that's not simply "®ealistic" but is legitimately real, is frankly beyond ridiculous, and despite the fact that I own every episode© of "Heki! Heki! Supaa Kentai Mega-Happii Deruxe Girl-Loli Captain No.5: Sexy Panic in World War II: Please buy our stupid shit, Americans and Perverts!©" on DVD™ and Razordisc® I can't bring myself to accept that Japan is capable of having it's own heritage and traditions when they come into conflict with what's marketable™. Why should a bunch of stupid Japs, who fucking invented monster movies know anything about special effects®?

But don't worry, folks, Hollywood™ has set them straight and did Godzilla™® right this time, and I'm here to tell you all about it: