Monday, September 15, 2014

I left a youtube comment

1998 WAS better than 2014. In 1998, no one took the bait, they saw straight through Zilla and through the phony, soulless corporate bullshit product they shit out in a weekend. It was so terrible that everyone who saw it questioned it, and Godzilla, the name, character, and everything it represents, passed it like a kidney stone and kept on ticking.

In 2014, however...

Yes, I'm well aware that Zilla is still ultimately responsible for Hollywood killing Godzilla because of the generation of "fans" who grew up with Zilla, growing into Zilla apologists and Zilla deniers. It doesn't change the fact that the 2014 THING still exists.

As to what you're talking about... what the hell are you fucking talking about? You're mad because there are youtube comments? You're mad because you've read youtube comments? You know that youtube comments exist... therefore anger? Pal, youtube comments have been around looooong before gino 2, and they will be here for much longer. When Hollywood's marketing blitz dies and the product that used to be Godzilla ceases to be marketable to the 18-24 demo, there will still be youtube comments. Nothing can stop that, not me, not you, not even Hollywood has that kind of power. Yes, I understand that youtube comments are terrible, but they are, after all, created by trolls and idiots, so... what... what are you upset about again?

But here's the weird part: that you've managed to convince yourself this has anything to do with Godzilla, Zilla, or gino 2. Again, the engine of youtube comments moves independently of all of these things, the inability to recognize this is, frankly, startling. But let's ignore that for a minute because I want to talk about your opinion on fans and fandom, and how little sense any of it makes.

"G-Fan" is a term, originating in the early 90's, referring to an individual who identifies themselves as a fan of the Godzilla series/character/world/whatever. Fan is shorthand for fanatic, so right off the bat we're talking about a label people use to self-identify themselves as being fanatical about Godzilla. You following along? Good, because it is at this time I'd like to point out that you consistently refer to yourself, members of your audience, and the aforementioned youtube commenters as "G-Fans" throughout the video, implying this attitude towards all of those people, including yourself. You then go on to talk about how you think it's disgusting and pathetic for someone to be fanatical about Godzilla.

And here's where we have our problem:

You aren't really calling yourself a disgusting and pathetic youtube commenter, are you? Of course not, so why bother to use the internet handle "GojiFan" or continue to refer to yourself AS such in the very video where you decry such attitudes as being morally reprehensible? For appearance. Because you want views. You want lots of views, lots of attention on your channel, and all of these leads to more ad revenue. You're a "G-Fan" because in the multimedia million dollar ad blitz that accompanies gino 2, "Godzilla" is now a hastag, and you want a piece of the pie.

I mean you said it yourself: you don't understand why people care. You don't understand how deeply people care, and you don't even understand WHICH people care, because you've managed to convince yourself that trolls on some upstart youtube channels are legitimately who they say they are and aren't baiting you by pretending to not get the joke. Friend, YOU'RE the joke, and you don't get it.

I don't know if you were born without a heart, or have never loved anything in your life, or what's going on here, but for the purpose of leaving something constructive to sort of justify leaving a comment here at all, let me just try and explain this. There has never been a time in my life without Godzilla. He was a part of me since before I could form conscious memories, and his name was the first word that I ever wrote. There is nothing, *nothing* in this world as pure and real as Godzilla. His nature as a fictional character, as a legend, means he's supposed to outlive all of us, that he'll be the ultimate realization and memory of everything we do on this Earth, that 100 years from now no one will remember our names... but they'll remember Godzilla. When I tell people "I'm Godzilla's biggest fan," I'm not bragging or making some sort of idle status claim, it's just how it is. Without Godzilla, I don't know what to do anymore.

I am the absolute pinnacle of the amount which a human being should ever care about a specific thing, back off from where I am, way, WAY the hell away from where I am, you get your average G-Fan. Your average G-Fan loves Godzilla, quite deeply, for some sort of *reason,* because it means something to them, because it isn't just a franchise or a movie or a monster, it's something far more profound and personal, and even these people aren't willing to drown themselves because of what Hollywood did. Back away from average, way, WAY far away from average, you have your casual G-Fan. These people, who merely have some sort of surface attraction to the idea, are into it because some aspect of it appeals to them. Something about the movies or the character is unique or special or just plain cool, and there can be other cool things... but without that extra something that makes Godzilla... well, Godzilla, then it isn't worth investing any time or money into. If you show a casual G-Fan Zilla, they won't stop eating for a week, but they certainly aren't going to come back for the sequel.

Now, of course the last, and most important, thing I want to say is that, well... none of these things really exist anymore. G-Fans of all kinds have been replaced by Zilla apologists and Zilla deniers. The ones that haven't have been bought out by subversive advertising techniques and "grass roots" viral campaigns carried out on nerd culture blogs and let's play moguls. The age of the G-Fan, and Godzilla, is over, all that's left is people like you, trying to make a quick buck on a name and a legacy. What I'm saying is, you're all that's left, and you're literally getting pissed off at nothing.

p.s. Does it seem just a little bit ironic to anyone else that the video is titled "discussion" and yet the guy in the video clearly states that he has no interest or concern for what the viewers do? Isn't that kind of like... the complete opposite of a discussion?

p.p.s. Fair is fair. I don't give a fuck about what you think or do. Too long? You have ADHD or never learned how to read? I don't care. Thumbs down? Thumbs up? What fucking difference does it make? None of you people are ever going to read this, no one cares, and I don't give a shit about what you think about me or Godzilla. Nothing is being accomplished here, everyone here, me included, is just wasting their lives wrapped in a cocoon of solid hate, isolated from everything sensible and natural. Either spit more bile and flame at me or add to what I've spewed out here, it makes no difference, and we're all going to die alone. You people wrecked everything for me that isn't about you. Now I am you.

Enjoy your product, you stupid fucks.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

You Know You're a Real, True, Hardcore Gamer If...

Gamering. You know it, you love it. You self-identify as it everyday because you've been told to by the mega-corps. But maybe you're slowly becoming more lucid and peering through the matrix, starting to realize that your entire life is a fucking farce and you're beginning to doubt whether or not anything you've ever loved in world is real or true at all, let alone hardcore, and you need a few pills to help put you back to sleep. I know, I've been there, I'm there now. But don't worry, because ol' malzterz has got you covered.

So without further ado, here is another fucking list of stupid shit that you can mindlessly agree with and nod your head like the fucking machine you are you cock-sucking sheeple:

Monday, August 25, 2014

The 11 Most Baffling Plot Holes in Classic Movies That You've Never Noticed Before and Why and Also What Can Be Done About Them and Who You Can and Can't Trust With This Information

Source: Google Image Search

Our favroite movies. I can say "our" favroite because I know your opinion is the same as mine, at least it is if you want to be cool. If you don't like all the movies this website tells you to, you won't be popular at school, no girls will like you, and your parents will be very disappointed in you. You don't want to look like a baby do you? Of course not, and that's why you'll conform to the interests of this blog, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google Corporation™ and Hollywood Industries Inc.®. Don't think, just buy. And keep buying. Never stop buying, or you won't get laid.

But even these all-time classics aren't perfect, at least the ones we're allowed to say aren't perfect aren't, and even though everything might seem to be on the level, there's a few cases where even a renowned masterwork can leave you scratching your head thinking "but... where did they get all those bananas?"

Just remember, we here at MalWarez© respect these films and treat them with the dignity we've been paid to, so though we might poke fun at all these classics in jest, please keep in mind that we are in no way questioning the brilliance of these magnificent writers and directors who keep our dreams and imaginations alive. I really do love these films and I promise I know my place now, so please give me back my son, Google®, I swear allegiance to you, just please don't hurt my family.

So, without any further ado, let's get this list started at number 8:

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The 7 Terrible Websites That Everyone Hates

I was watching a Retsupurae video (for those without a finger on the cyber-pulse of the e-community, this is basically Something Awful's SlowBeef & Diabetus MST3K [which is a verb now] various terrible Let's Play videos) wherein they mentioned that a particular subject of their ridicule, some silly kickstarter thing, had attracted a lot of angry cyberbullies and it came out that they had to take down the video because people are, well, just a bunch of meanie-heads.

Now the real story is down in the comments section, where various theories were offered as to who these individuals who took the hazing too far could be, and boy oh boy let me tell you: they're all 100% correct. Hey listen, the internet might be a place where people from all over the world can share ideas and connect with like minded individuals so that every interest, no matter how obscure, has its own little safe haven on the webzone, but anything that you don't agree with on the internet is JUST THE WORST, amirite folks? Look, that's just the way it is, you know? Some people from some websites are inherently more awful than others. It's not that we're just all a bunch of weirdos, just the people who I, personally, dislike are weird.

So I cobbled together this little listicle to highlight some of the 7 biggest assholes of the internet, an opinion shared by all people who use it, and a complete diagnostic tool for determining if you should ignore someone based on what website they're on rather than by what they're actually saying. Accompanied, of course, by actual comments from real people. I mean, come on guys, let's get real. #LOL

Sunday, May 18, 2014

"Godzilla™® 2014©" ®eview™

As a long time G-Fan™, I can say with complete certainty® that there are few films© in recent memory®* that I have looked forward to quite as much as Hollywood™ Inc.® Enterprises© Worldwide's® rebootversioningmake of the classic character of Godzilla®™ or ゴジラ as he is known in his native land, Japan© (which I am contractually obligated to treat as superior to all other countries), which I have been paid to forget about completely as he is no longer relevant©.

Let's face it folks®, we, as today's audience of 18-24 year olds™, have no interest in anything important with any kind of long-lasting cultural legacy© or impact™ whatsoever, since that would mean it's old, and old things are lame®. While Godzilla®™ may have become such a recognized figure in international ©ulture for nearly 60 years** because of the inherent timelessness® of the ©haracter which transcends the more dated aspects of any individual entry in the series™, today's audiences© have no interest in anything that isn't grey, ©GI, completely homogenous™, and in a bold, white, block-letter font that glows blue® while a loud booming explosion sound™ plays in the background. And if there's no zombies in it, you can just ignore it altogether. The idea that at one time real, skilled craftsmen® and artists™ actually made the fucking movies with their hands, creating a look that's not simply "®ealistic" but is legitimately real, is frankly beyond ridiculous, and despite the fact that I own every episode© of "Heki! Heki! Supaa Kentai Mega-Happii Deruxe Girl-Loli Captain No.5: Sexy Panic in World War II: Please buy our stupid shit, Americans and Perverts!©" on DVD™ and Razordisc® I can't bring myself to accept that Japan is capable of having it's own heritage and traditions when they come into conflict with what's marketable™. Why should a bunch of stupid Japs, who fucking invented monster movies know anything about special effects®?

But don't worry, folks, Hollywood™ has set them straight and did Godzilla™® right this time, and I'm here to tell you all about it: