Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The 7 Terrible Websites That Everyone Hates

I was watching a Retsupurae video (for those without a finger on the cyber-pulse of the e-community, this is basically Something Awful's SlowBeef & Diabetus MST3K [which is a verb now] various terrible Let's Play videos) wherein they mentioned that a particular subject of their ridicule, some silly kickstarter thing, had attracted a lot of angry cyberbullies and it came out that they had to take down the video because people are, well, just a bunch of meanie-heads.

Now the real story is down in the comments section, where various theories were offered as to who these individuals who took the hazing too far could be, and boy oh boy let me tell you: they're all 100% correct. Hey listen, the internet might be a place where people from all over the world can share ideas and connect with like minded individuals so that every interest, no matter how obscure, has its own little safe haven on the webzone, but anything that you don't agree with on the internet is JUST THE WORST, amirite folks? Look, that's just the way it is, you know? Some people from some websites are inherently more awful than others. It's not that we're just all a bunch of weirdos, just the people who I, personally, dislike are weird.

So I cobbled together this little listicle to highlight some of the 7 biggest assholes of the internet, an opinion shared by all people who use it, and a complete diagnostic tool for determining if you should ignore someone based on what website they're on rather than by what they're actually saying. Accompanied, of course, by actual comments from real people. I mean, come on guys, let's get real. #LOL

Sunday, May 18, 2014

"Godzilla™® 2014©" ®eview™

As a long time G-Fan™, I can say with complete certainty® that there are few films© in recent memory®* that I have looked forward to quite as much as Hollywood™ Inc.® Enterprises© Worldwide's® rebootversioningmake of the classic character of Godzilla®™ or ゴジラ as he is known in his native land, Japan© (which I am contractually obligated to treat as superior to all other countries), which I have been paid to forget about completely as he is no longer relevant©.

Let's face it folks®, we, as today's audience of 18-24 year olds™, have no interest in anything important with any kind of long-lasting cultural legacy© or impact™ whatsoever, since that would mean it's old, and old things are lame®. While Godzilla®™ may have become such a recognized figure in international ©ulture for nearly 60 years** because of the inherent timelessness® of the ©haracter which transcends the more dated aspects of any individual entry in the series™, today's audiences© have no interest in anything that isn't grey, ©GI, completely homogenous™, and in a bold, white, block-letter font that glows blue® while a loud booming explosion sound™ plays in the background. And if there's no zombies in it, you can just ignore it altogether. The idea that at one time real, skilled craftsmen® and artists™ actually made the fucking movies with their hands, creating a look that's not simply "®ealistic" but is legitimately real, is frankly beyond ridiculous, and despite the fact that I own every episode© of "Heki! Heki! Supaa Kentai Mega-Happii Deruxe Girl-Loli Captain No.5: Sexy Panic in World War II: Please buy our stupid shit, Americans and Perverts!©" on DVD™ and Razordisc® I can't bring myself to accept that Japan is capable of having it's own heritage and traditions when they come into conflict with what's marketable™. Why should a bunch of stupid Japs, who fucking invented monster movies know anything about special effects®?

But don't worry, folks, Hollywood™ has set them straight and did Godzilla™® right this time, and I'm here to tell you all about it: