Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Top 10 Tips on Making a Living With Online Content

As a supremely successful e-blogger and i-player, peoples all the times be askin' me: "How can EYE become a successful manager of today's social solutions to the future's inter-connected business bitcoin$ on the competitive level in the bold world of the on-line© revolution happening amongst the youth of today?" I get this so often, as I move back and forth between my car and the meter, with hungry wolves tearing at my legs, thirsty for their piece of the e-pie® in today's blog-a-minute, on-line cyber-world, and I lose a lot of blood in the process. That's why EYE'VE taken the time to share some hot tips for making it in this hectic, vlog-a-minute™ xyber-verse so mewtwo can do nothing but play video games all fucking day like the waste of flesh you really are... and get paid for it! Please stop trying to eat me.



1. BE STUPID
Easily the most important advice I can give you is that the financial world heavily favors ignorance and stupidity over intelligence and knowledge. Most people, of course, are below average in every way, statistics just work against us this way, creating huge swaths of gullible morons while limiting people who actually know what they're talking about to the outer rims of society to be ostracized and ignored. Majority always wins, and in this case everything human civilization has created - our technology, our culture, etc. - is slanted towards the lowest common denominator, and the more idiots you appeal to, the more money you make.

However, just skewing your ©ontent to a bunch of fucking idiots isn't enough. Sure you might grab some attention, but what's important here is that you can't know what you're doing, it isn't enough to just make stupid crap to dangle over folks heads from a fishing pole, if you know you're dangling, you're already going to fall. A successful, financially viable life is reserved only for the largest portion of the population - the stupid ones - which on one hand is kinda neat because it ensures only the smallest possible number of people will be destitute and useless, but just to bring it back on point here, if you aren't too dim to realize every single dubstep™ track is exactly the same thing to the second then you might as well kill yourself now because you don't belong in this world and no one's going to fucking help you.

1. DON'T THINK
One of the biggest hurdles keeping people from getting a leg up on today's slog-a-second techno-towers is the compulsion to be creative. This is poison to quality content. ©reativity is the curse of capable, thoughtful people who have interesting ideas, and the worst part of this curse is their obsessive compulsion to express it, either visually, textually, musically, or in some other medium. No one wants this. No one is going to pay to see "art." You're a fool if you think anyone's going to give a shit about you because you have something you want to say in a creative medium. This is the last nail in the coffin for many who attempt to find their place in the jog-an-hour jog-world.

The thing is this: the greatest portion of the population isn't interested in what you have to say, and they don't want to waste their time listening/reading/watching you say it, because they're too fucking stupid to even understand it. Thinking is hard. People just want one thing: ©ontent. Not music, not literature, not film, just content. Batman, zombies, call of duty dogs, dubstep, something that was concocted in a lab by ad execs to appeal to a demographic they created. Look, don't worry about what it is people want or what's worth listening/reading/watching, just let hollywood and google decide this for you, and simply keep doing exactly what you're told to, over and over, until you die. Don't, even for a second, stop to think about why in the hell someone would think screaming "rape culture*" at the top of their lungs while playing Five Nights @ Facebook® counts as "entertainment," because the moment you start to think for yourself, it's all over.

10. GIVE UP
Easily the most important advice I can give you. Listen, you can't win. Stop trying. Just give up. This world is meant for "people" with no dreams, ambitions, or ideas. Intelligence and creativity will get you nowhere except under the overpass begging for change, while people in fast cars spit at you from their window on the way to play "Call of Batman 2: Dogs of Dubstep®" for their poopshoot™ fans. No one gives a shit about you, no one's going to help you, and no one cares about what you think. The ONLY thing that matters in this world is how pretty you are, how little you care, and how fast you can beat Slanderking™.

Basically, if you're intelligent, creative, talented, or passionate, you've got two options: go live in the woods and just forget the totality of human civilization altogether, or just fucking kill yourself. Whatever you choose, you need to do it soon because you don't have much time left.



*®ape ©ulture is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google™ corporation.

No comments:

Post a Comment