Sunday, September 14, 2014

You Know You're a Real, True, Hardcore Gamer If...

Gamering. You know it, you love it. You self-identify as it everyday because you've been told to by the mega-corps. But maybe you're slowly becoming more lucid and peering through the matrix, starting to realize that your entire life is a fucking farce and you're beginning to doubt whether or not anything you've ever loved in world is real or true at all, let alone hardcore, and you need a few pills to help put you back to sleep. I know, I've been there, I'm there now. But don't worry, because ol' malzterz has got you covered.

So without further ado, here is another fucking list of stupid shit that you can mindlessly agree with and nod your head like the fucking machine you are you cock-sucking sheeple:

1. If you spend a large portion of your day playing or discussing video games.

2. If used to play Tyconderoga's Super Galaxy Defenderz 64 in two player mode, but then you were still alone, and just kept playing for both Pooky and Pookier.

3. I mean, kill yourself to be different and your own body screws you.

4. Did I change, last night? Howl at the moon, kill shit and change back this morning? Huh? No. Did it take a silver bullet to stop that thing no it got killed by a fucking truck.

5. You always blow off anything you don't get.

6. Yeah, when it's bullshit.

7. If you're a fucking sexist piece of shit, you might be a redneck.


9. If you remember THIS classic level from Tyconderoga's Super Galaxy Defenderz 64:

10. If you already know. Why do you need other people to tell you what you are? No one gets to decide that except for yourself, and yourself is the only thing you can ever be. Do it a favor and don't lie about it, whatever you fucking call it doesn't matter, it just is, bee yourself and stop looking for approval.

11. Why go on? You'll only hurt others.

12.When a black mountain appears above the clouds, when the red moon sets and the sun rises in the west, two huge monsters will appear.

13. Try not to kill anyone. The more people you kill, the harder it will be to convince people you're anything other than a murderer. This is the primary reason Genghis Khan has such poor gamer cred.

14. If you've beaten Tyconderoga's Super Galaxy Defenderz 64. If you haven't got the high score on this game, you're not eligible for true gamer status. At least unlock the secret bonus level and then we'll reconsider your application.

15. If you enjoy being told who you are by people who know absolutely nothing about you.


17. We have a pact! Out by 16 or dead in the scene but together for fucking ever! I said I would die for you.

18. No, you said you'd die with me, because you had nothing better to do.

19. I don't know, something about the god damned Mario friends? What do you fucking people want from me? What the hell do I have to do, kill myself on camera? Well phat phucking chance, I'm not interested in making personal snuff films for the NSA.

20. If you remember that one thing from that one fucking game that's been so popular recently.

21. If you saw what was coming and you jumped ship about 10 years ago, and then die a little inside each time it turns out all your doom-saying pessimism turned out to be true.

22. We'll just coast on how the world works.

23. Do you want a fucking certificate or something? Fine, here:

24. Is it working?

25. No. And now I just don't care.

26. You know you can't just hold your breath? Seriously, your brain won't let you.

27. And you can forget about overdosing, too. Even IF you managed to destroy your liver fast enough on purpose, you have to live in constant pain for like weeks. Isn't the whole point to AVOID pain?

28. I used to joke about Maddox's "Cadbury Cream Egg Surprise" but the problem there is that it doesn't kill you, it's just an extra thing on top of it, meaning you'd have to still kill yourself and do it blind.

29. You wrecked everything for me that isn't about you.

30. Now I am you.

31. Like, my favroite video game of all time is Primal Rage, it's where the handle "Malyssa" comes from in the first place. That is exactly how much of a shit I give about you fucking people and your god damned meddle of halo or whatever the current trendy piece of trash is that's so brain-numbingly awful just thinking about the pants-shitting excitement of shooting normal people with real life guns makes me want to strangle the nearest living thing with joy. Because when I think of a world of imagination where anything is possible, the FIRST place I go to is fucking stupid convoluted gun names that make no sense and all sound the same. Are you all a bunch of god damned robots?! Where's the passion? Where's the bold ideas and breathtaking imagery? Where's the soul in this machine-made, synthetic fucking product?

32. Ok, this is not you, just let's cope.

33. Oh, with what? With, with this kind of shit?! He's wrong, moron, you can't fix this!

34. See, I'm going way, way out there, way, way way far from where you live which you pretty much fucking rule.
Source: The Unseen Codex of Nostradamus

35. And I mean that's just how things are now. It's a contest; whoever has the most money wins, and the game is fixed. You're all a bunch of fucking ants running around in a maze you built but have no conception of. You allowed this to happen, and now it's your whole life. You dug your own fucking grave and you keep fucking digging. Everything you do only serves to widen the pit and before you know it it's going to collapse and take everyone down with it, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Oh sure, you'll try to throw stones, but the hole is too damn deep.

36. I mean it never fucking ends with you people.*

37. Maybe he's barking at you.

38. If you come you can't be weird, Ginger. If he gets I lied... if he gets you're really the one who's...

39. ...a what? A monster, huh? A freak?

64. Confession time: I've never actually beaten Tyconderoga's Super Galaxy Defenderz 64. I've never even cleared the first board. So you've wasted all your time, I don't even qualify myself, how can I tell you who is or isn't a true gamer?

40. Oh yeah, like I really wish I was hemorrhaging, and hairy, and sucking off Jason McCarty.

41. Well you always wanted to be me.

42. I'd rather be dead than be what you are.

*You People are a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google Corporation©.

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