|Source: Google Image Search|
Our favroite movies. I can say "our" favroite because I know your opinion is the same as mine, at least it is if you want to be cool. If you don't like all the movies this website tells you to, you won't be popular at school, no girls will like you, and your parents will be very disappointed in you. You don't want to look like a baby do you? Of course not, and that's why you'll conform to the interests of this blog, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google Corporation™ and Hollywood Industries Inc.®. Don't think, just buy. And keep buying. Never stop buying, or you won't get laid.
But even these all-time classics aren't perfect, at least the ones we're allowed to say aren't perfect aren't, and even though everything might seem to be on the level, there's a few cases where even a renowned masterwork can leave you scratching your head thinking "but... where did they get all those bananas?"
Just remember, we here at MalWarez© respect these films and treat them with the dignity we've been paid to, so though we might poke fun at all these classics in jest, please keep in mind that we are in no way questioning the brilliance of these magnificent writers and directors who keep our dreams and imaginations alive. I really do love these films and I promise I know my place now, so please give me back my son, Google®, I swear allegiance to you, just please don't hurt my family.
So, without any further ado, let's get this list started at number 8:
5. Jurassic Park: Where'd the DNA come from?
|Source: Jurassic Park (1993)|
The Hole: I mean you think it's a joke but you fucking people have no idea how bad you have it. Do you have any, I mean any fucking idea how much shit you're being force-fed on a daily basis? And you fucking eat it right up, too. You love this crap. Say whatever you want about me as a person but you can't fucking deny what's happening, it's not even a conspiracy it's just THERE. Hollywood® isn't some sort of god damned hippy convent where only true artists go and create magical masterpieces, it's a god damned business and it has a bottom line to meet. You people aren't the audience, you aren't the fans, you aren't even really people to them, you're just fucking sheep. You're a cog in a machine that's grinding you to a bunch of bloody fucking pulp right in front of your god damned eyes and you fucking love it.
8. Independence Day: Don't these people know that's Jeff Goldblum?
The Hole: You are a person. You are a living, conscious, human being. You have thoughts, fears, desires, hopes, dreams, emotions, and ideas. You have opinions. You can think for yourself. Sorry I have to be the one to shatter your little Orwellian powwow but you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP. See, we have these... well, these things called "critics." They tell you what they think of a movie, and then they get paid for this. Why? Just think about that for a second. Everyone's tastes are ever so slightly different, and most of the time people have wildly different ideas of what they think is cool or interesting. So why trust a critic? Let's assume, let's just fucking assume for a second that when you read a professional critic's review you are getting the honest opinion of a real human being - and let me be absolutely clear that you are not - then what does that mean? It means that you're listening to what some fucking guy who you've never met thinks about a movie you've never seen and, if you're reading a fucking review instead of just watching it, you probably have no real interest in to begin with. If you want someone's opinion, you could ask... anyone! Yes, literally anyone! Do me a favor and go look up what literally means because I actually do use it correctly. Is there a person? A person? Ask them what their opinion is. The worst that could happen is they haven't seen it. And as a bonus, if you're asking someone you know, a friend, then you already have a basis for understanding where their tastes and expectations fall in relation to yours, so that their opinion is actually useful! Do you pay your friends for that? No? Well you aren't paying those professional critics either, right? But... somebody is... so who?
|Source: I already linked it, so leave me alone|
14. Pespiman© Returns: I can't tell if I'm even alive anymore
The Plot: Follow the money. Who has so much disposable income that they can sink as low as outright telling you what to think and stands to gain anything from doing so, and can still sleep at night? That's right, Hollywood©. They have a functionally infinite amount of money. They can do anything they want. They are more powerful than the government. If they want you to see a damn movie, they're going to make damn sure you see the damn movie. "Oh, but Mal, you're just being cynical, not all critics are on the payroll of Big Hollywood®!" Fine, you want to drop the act and get real? Then let's fucking get real. If you called me out on that, chances are you have the capability of reading a review, realizing it's a paid advertisement, and saying "no thanks." Conglaturations. You have the ability to think for yourself. And I'm proud of you, really I am, but this goes back a long time and it goes all the way up to the top, this is ingrained behavior that is learned through nurture, and if you have the power to question authority then you aren't in any danger of being manipulated by advertisers anwyas. But I've got some bad news: this article isn't about you, it's about the people who read shit like this:
...read the comments
The Hole: By the way, that article is post-release, I'm not even showing you the two years of hype that made comments like those possible. I haven't even begun to talk about the depth of this marketing campaign and how the studio heads let mouth breathing dipshits, nerd blogs, and annoying let's players do all the legwork for them and didn't have to move a fucking finger. These aren't trailers, these aren't reviews, these are opinions that infiltrate your fucking lifestyle, this is subversive advertising on a level that has not been seen since they fucking sold cigarettes to children. This isn't just "if you want to be cool, go see fagman," this is "I am cool, because I already like fagman, and if you do too you'll see this piece of garbage."
666. I'm not going out alone, I'm taking Garth Edwards with me
|Source: What I see when I close my eyes|
The Hole: Because they realize that nerds, dorks, and established fandoms go deeper than the surface. If a character is old enough they transcend the time and place they exist in, they penetrate your psyche and transform your imagination. Characters like Superman, Batman, Mario, Mickey Mouse, and Godzilla aren't just bankable icons, they are fucking icons. Effigies of modern mythology that will subsist as a major facet of our culture long, long after we're gone. They are financial juggernauts because they are bigger than any one person, because they are generational and everlasting, because you can't sink an ideal with a singular mistake made by a fallible human, not in spite of these things. But all of these things we care about, all of these things which are so important to us in a way that supercedes their identity as fictional creations, are important to us for some reason. Hollywood© doesn't care what or why something has survived, they only care that it has, and anything, any mere name that can drag a flock of sheep into their hall of death in fucking chains is worth buying because, again, they have more money than every government in the world combined. Today's audiences won't like Godzilla, you say? Then don't buy it. Again, to normal people this is transparent, they bought the name because they know you can't say no, not because they actually intended to make a fucking Godzilla movie. They'll do whatever they damn well please and you're going to like it or else the nerd community will ostracize you and you won't be cool and you won't get lucky with any gamer grrlz and you'll get laughed at at school if you don't have all the latest fucking Godzilla™ merchandise available anywhere human souls are sold*.
0. FUCK YOU
|Source: It's Giger you dipshit|
You are not the nerds, you don't get to decide what "gamerz" or "nerdz" or "nerd culture" is, that's not yours to decide and it isn't yours to have. You're living in a fucking dream world and you don't even try to wake up. They are raping you in your sleep, stealing your money, your dreams, and your fucking identity and you don't even fucking care. You don't even care. They OWN you and control everything you think you are to keep you trapped in their god damned nightmare factory, strapped into an elaborate Giger-esque fucking machine that's harvesting your juices by pairing you up with other like minded sheep and getting you to create even more fucking sheep. WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU GOD DAMNED SHEEP.
Or don't. Just keep laughing, because it's all a joke, right? Yeah, it's a joke alright, and you're the fucking punchline.
*The Human Soul© is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google® Corporation™