Monday, August 25, 2014

The 11 Most Baffling Plot Holes in Classic Movies That You've Never Noticed Before and Why and Also What Can Be Done About Them and Who You Can and Can't Trust With This Information

Source: Google Image Search

Our favroite movies. I can say "our" favroite because I know your opinion is the same as mine, at least it is if you want to be cool. If you don't like all the movies this website tells you to, you won't be popular at school, no girls will like you, and your parents will be very disappointed in you. You don't want to look like a baby do you? Of course not, and that's why you'll conform to the interests of this blog, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google Corporation™ and Hollywood Industries Inc.®. Don't think, just buy. And keep buying. Never stop buying, or you won't get laid.

But even these all-time classics aren't perfect, at least the ones we're allowed to say aren't perfect aren't, and even though everything might seem to be on the level, there's a few cases where even a renowned masterwork can leave you scratching your head thinking "but... where did they get all those bananas?"

Just remember, we here at MalWarez© respect these films and treat them with the dignity we've been paid to, so though we might poke fun at all these classics in jest, please keep in mind that we are in no way questioning the brilliance of these magnificent writers and directors who keep our dreams and imaginations alive. I really do love these films and I promise I know my place now, so please give me back my son, Google®, I swear allegiance to you, just please don't hurt my family.

So, without any further ado, let's get this list started at number 8:

5. Jurassic Park: Where'd the DNA come from?
Source: Jurassic Park (1993)
The Plot: Heh, I don't even have to tell you this one. We've all heard it before, amirite ladies? Everybody already knows this movie backwards and forwards, so there's no need for me to spell it all out to you. But, um... so like they try to clone extinct Dinosaurs using DNA fragments preserved in mosquitoes via amber, right? And then later they end up mixing the DNA with various pieces from frogs, agama lizards, and chameleons (instead of, you know, living Dinosaurs) making the resultant product into these strange Chimeric theme park monsters instead of anything resembling actual Mesozoic Dinosaurs. And, then, like, Jeff Goldblum is in it... and... like, Sam Neil is trying to teach these two butt munch idiot kids about actual Dinosaurs but they're like "herp derp turkey's are dumb" and stupid shit like that. Do I really need to pretend this movie has aged well? Do you honestly think anyone is going to believe me if I say the CGI in this movie isn't inferior to, say, PS2 graphics? Really? Why are we still pretending this movie is anything other than some shitty fucking piece of garbage Hollywood™ shat out one day and the only reason anyone puts up with it is because we were all a bunch of fucking 6 year olds when it came out and literally didn't know any better? Who the fuck are we protecting by telling ourselves that?

The Hole: I mean you think it's a joke but you fucking people have no idea how bad you have it. Do you have any, I mean any fucking idea how much shit you're being force-fed on a daily basis? And you fucking eat it right up, too. You love this crap. Say whatever you want about me as a person but you can't fucking deny what's happening, it's not even a conspiracy it's just THERE. Hollywood® isn't some sort of god damned hippy convent where only true artists go and create magical masterpieces, it's a god damned business and it has a bottom line to meet. You people aren't the audience, you aren't the fans, you aren't even really people to them, you're just fucking sheep. You're a cog in a machine that's grinding you to a bunch of bloody fucking pulp right in front of your god damned eyes and you fucking love it.

8. Independence Day: Don't these people know that's Jeff Goldblum?
Source: Reuters
The Plot: Case in point: let's examine how it is you choose which movie to see. Let's really look at it because I guarantee none of you empty headed morons have thought about it before in your entire life. Let's just, for once, try to look at things with an analytical mind. First off, you have to be aware that a movie even exists, whether it's coming out at some point in the future or it's out now. This information traditionally came from simple old advertisements, you know the stuff, TV commercials, billboards, newspaper ads, and the like. Here, only a trailer has the power to really sell you on a movie, the rest only exists to tell you it exists in the hope you'll watch out for the trailer, or ask a friend if they've seen it so you can know what the movie's about. But this is the future, and that's a little too quaint by today's standards. Why let people form their own opinions when you can just fucking buy them?

The Hole: You are a person. You are a living, conscious, human being. You have thoughts, fears, desires, hopes, dreams, emotions, and ideas. You have opinions. You can think for yourself. Sorry I have to be the one to shatter your little Orwellian powwow but you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP. See, we have these... well, these things called "critics." They tell you what they think of a movie, and then they get paid for this. Why? Just think about that for a second. Everyone's tastes are ever so slightly different, and most of the time people have wildly different ideas of what they think is cool or interesting. So why trust a critic? Let's assume, let's just fucking assume for a second that when you read a professional critic's review you are getting the honest opinion of a real human being - and let me be absolutely clear that you are not - then what does that mean? It means that you're listening to what some fucking guy who you've never met thinks about a movie you've never seen and, if you're reading a fucking review instead of just watching it, you probably have no real interest in to begin with. If you want someone's opinion, you could ask... anyone! Yes, literally anyone! Do me a favor and go look up what literally means because I actually do use it correctly. Is there a person? A person? Ask them what their opinion is. The worst that could happen is they haven't seen it. And as a bonus, if you're asking someone you know, a friend, then you already have a basis for understanding where their tastes and expectations fall in relation to yours, so that their opinion is actually useful! Do you pay your friends for that? No? Well you aren't paying those professional critics either, right? But... somebody is... so who?
Source: I already linked it, so leave me alone
14. Pespiman© Returns: I can't tell if I'm even alive anymore

The Plot: Follow the money. Who has so much disposable income that they can sink as low as outright telling you what to think and stands to gain anything from doing so, and can still sleep at night? That's right, Hollywood©. They have a functionally infinite amount of money. They can do anything they want. They are more powerful than the government. If they want you to see a damn movie, they're going to make damn sure you see the damn movie. "Oh, but Mal, you're just being cynical, not all critics are on the payroll of Big Hollywood®!" Fine, you want to drop the act and get real? Then let's fucking get real. If you called me out on that, chances are you have the capability of reading a review, realizing it's a paid advertisement, and saying "no thanks." Conglaturations. You have the ability to think for yourself. And I'm proud of you, really I am, but this goes back a long time and it goes all the way up to the top, this is ingrained behavior that is learned through nurture, and if you have the power to question authority then you aren't in any danger of being manipulated by advertisers anwyas. But I've got some bad news: this article isn't about you, it's about the people who read shit like this:
Sure, maybe I would have gone for the slightly more sensational headline "Hollywood© Single-handedly Murders Godzilla Forever," but on the surface it looks like this article isn't going to take any filthy fucking Hollywood® bullshit up it's ass, it has had enough and it isn't going to fucking take it anymore. Then you read the article...
Mhmm. "This movie is perfect in every way and exactly what you fucking nerds want so please OBEY, CONSUME, and for the love of god never stop BUYING because they'll kill me if I don't meet my quota." It's only at the very end of the piece that anything even remotely, you know, critical comes to the front, and even then it's quickly repented in favor of continuing to shill this stupid horrible nonsense. But that's not even why I'm pointing it out, anyone who can call me out on being a cynic immediately sees through this transparent commercial for what it is. You want to see why this sort of thing is actually dangerous? the comments

The Hole: By the way, that article is post-release, I'm not even showing you the two years of hype that made comments like those possible. I haven't even begun to talk about the depth of this marketing campaign and how the studio heads let mouth breathing dipshits, nerd blogs, and annoying let's players do all the legwork for them and didn't have to move a fucking finger. These aren't trailers, these aren't reviews, these are opinions that infiltrate your fucking lifestyle, this is subversive advertising on a level that has not been seen since they fucking sold cigarettes to children. This isn't just "if you want to be cool, go see fagman," this is "I am cool, because I already like fagman, and if you do too you'll see this piece of garbage."

666. I'm not going out alone, I'm taking Garth Edwards with me
Source: What I see when I close my eyes
The Plot: And that's really where we get down to the source: old, existing, established properties. Hollywood™ isn't a mecca for artists, it's a factory, and it doesn't produce films, it produces products. Within the past decade or so, they've finally discovered something most other industries have long understood: the raw power of brand loyalty. Making a rom com with Halle Berry and Johnny Depp, as sure of a thing as that seems, is a fucking gamble. People don't like rom coms, 18-24 year old males don't want anything to do with the genre, no matter who's in it. Worse, actors aren't infallible, you can bank on them all you want but sooner or later people will make their own minds up about when they've worn out their welcome, or when they've oversaturated the market, or when they took a job that they really should have refused. People can tell when something is up, unless of course you put them in a compromising position and they literally can't say no.

The Hole: Because they realize that nerds, dorks, and established fandoms go deeper than the surface. If a character is old enough they transcend the time and place they exist in, they penetrate your psyche and transform your imagination. Characters like Superman, Batman, Mario, Mickey Mouse, and Godzilla aren't just bankable icons, they are fucking icons. Effigies of modern mythology that will subsist as a major facet of our culture long, long after we're gone. They are financial juggernauts because they are bigger than any one person, because they are generational and everlasting, because you can't sink an ideal with a singular mistake made by a fallible human, not in spite of these things. But all of these things we care about, all of these things which are so important to us in a way that supercedes their identity as fictional creations, are important to us for some reason. Hollywood© doesn't care what or why something has survived, they only care that it has, and anything, any mere name that can drag a flock of sheep into their hall of death in fucking chains is worth buying because, again, they have more money than every government in the world combined. Today's audiences won't like Godzilla, you say? Then don't buy it. Again, to normal people this is transparent, they bought the name because they know you can't say no, not because they actually intended to make a fucking Godzilla movie. They'll do whatever they damn well please and you're going to like it or else the nerd community will ostracize you and you won't be cool and you won't get lucky with any gamer grrlz and you'll get laughed at at school if you don't have all the latest fucking Godzilla™ merchandise available anywhere human souls are sold*.

Source: It's Giger you dipshit
...and you don't even fucking care. You let them do it. You fucking stand by and watch as they routinely exploit your emotions, buy up and outright create their own fucking blogosphere with a higher relevancy in search results (thank you, Google®) and generate their own opinions from scratch and shove them down your fucking throats and you just sit there and beg for more like a fucking slut.

You are not the nerds, you don't get to decide what "gamerz" or "nerdz" or "nerd culture" is, that's not yours to decide and it isn't yours to have. You're living in a fucking dream world and you don't even try to wake up. They are raping you in your sleep, stealing your money, your dreams, and your fucking identity and you don't even fucking care. You don't even care. They OWN you and control everything you think you are to keep you trapped in their god damned nightmare factory, strapped into an elaborate Giger-esque fucking machine that's harvesting your juices by pairing you up with other like minded sheep and getting you to create even more fucking sheep. WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU GOD DAMNED SHEEP.

Or don't. Just keep laughing, because it's all a joke, right? Yeah, it's a joke alright, and you're the fucking punchline.

*The Human Soul© is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google® Corporation™

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