Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The 7 Terrible Websites That Everyone Hates

I was watching a Retsupurae video (for those without a finger on the cyber-pulse of the e-community, this is basically Something Awful's SlowBeef & Diabetus MST3K [which is a verb now] various terrible Let's Play videos) wherein they mentioned that a particular subject of their ridicule, some silly kickstarter thing, had attracted a lot of angry cyberbullies and it came out that they had to take down the video because people are, well, just a bunch of meanie-heads.

Now the real story is down in the comments section, where various theories were offered as to who these individuals who took the hazing too far could be, and boy oh boy let me tell you: they're all 100% correct. Hey listen, the internet might be a place where people from all over the world can share ideas and connect with like minded individuals so that every interest, no matter how obscure, has its own little safe haven on the webzone, but anything that you don't agree with on the internet is JUST THE WORST, amirite folks? Look, that's just the way it is, you know? Some people from some websites are inherently more awful than others. It's not that we're just all a bunch of weirdos, just the people who I, personally, dislike are weird.

So I cobbled together this little listicle to highlight some of the 7 biggest assholes of the internet, an opinion shared by all people who use it, and a complete diagnostic tool for determining if you should ignore someone based on what website they're on rather than by what they're actually saying. Accompanied, of course, by actual comments from real people. I mean, come on guys, let's get real. #LOL

1.  Chanfags.com
No bones about it, chanfags.org is truly the worst that the internet has to offer. As our good friend sandymanny here explains, the real meat of the problem is that the whole site is the same as itself. As any experienced, true websufer™ knows, internal consistency is literally (and by this I mean figuratively) the worst possible attribute you can have in a successful webzone, especially if that consistency is equal to that of various bodily functions. In your mind's eye, just imagine for a moment a website wherein, no matter which link you click, you can expect to find nothing but the same style and type of content everywhere you go. A humor site that's nothing but humor, a commercial website that's nothing but talking about the product or service it offers, or a forum where, no matter what you click on, is nothing but people talking about various subjects that fall under one unified concept or shared interest or cause. A nightmare, you say? But this is no dream, for chanfags.cc, this is all too real.

And it doesn't stop there: wow are these guys stupid. Now, I may not know what the hell a chanfag is or what it means or how it's even remotely possible that such a bizarre word could hold any sort of meaning or relevance whatsoever, but good luck trying to find a worse shithole than chanfags. My goodness, you guys don't even know. Look, I'm going to tell you about it: chanfags like chans, something I have no interest in. They probably also smoke a lot, and are English. That much is clear. But we're skipping over the real meat of the problem here, the one thing that unites all chanfags more than any other attribute: their overzealous love of a good retsupurae. Sure, I like some of their videos too, so by this logic I have become the very thing I despise, but that doesn't excuse other people from liking what I like. How DARE they?

Worst Feature: This one is easy. There's no denying that chanfag's insistence on asking for your updated credit card information every time you refresh the page is pretty annoying.

2. Redditards.org
Now, I've been around the cyber-block 2.0 a few times in my day, and few things really get my gumption quite as readily as the infamous redditards.com. Even Silent Hill 2's James Sunderland, noted chanfag user and wife murderer, finds redditard's broken UI and shitty coding to be even more repulsive than chenfangs. And who could blame him? The guy fought Pyramid Head, so if there's one guy who knows his shit about disgusting stains, it's the protagonist from a Silent Hill game. Even those who aren't from changbangs recognize the overpowering aura of reggaeton's poor user feedback mechanism and broken horse outside the storefront. Identified easily by a thick cloud of ominous fog and bloody teddy bears inside abandoned schools, redditanium serves as a beacon of shit in a sea of even shittier shit. As the angry game tapes guy would say "this site is like a poop coming out of a gross butt."

The real meat of the problem, of course, is the rampant racism that runs through the site like cancer on a human. These people hate other races, whether it be white, black, or whatever the other ones are, remington has is authored by a pair of angry, spiteful, racist brothers who survived the race riots of 1992* by hiding in a shelter for 3 weeks. Ol' Lemmy and Iggy, as they're called these days, decided to jump on the dot com bandwaggon and show the world just how dangerous it was to be around people who are different than you, and the relishtown fanbase agreed. Soon the site became a monolith, towering over its competitors like fuckyou.html and anti-semites.cc, gaining a huge reputation and following as they began buying up nations, even whole continents, so that by the year 2204 they are the richest nation on Earth. That's why, as all of us cyber-saVVy sassmeisters know, the only way to stop them is to erase them from history by going back to 1992 and replace them with three dorats who will absorb the racism instead, fusing together to become a three-headed creature which combines all the races into one huge racist monster. Figuratively.

Worst Feature: The POP3 email service doesn't fucking work. Like, at all. I've tried and retried it countless times, and I've gone in circles with this "feature" talking to so many staff members that they've actually circled out. Look guys, here's the deal: don't offer the damn service if it doesn't work, okay? And yes, I know some people have gotten it to work, but I'm not one of those people, and whole point of this article is how my point of view is the only valid one.

3. Nerdbags.gov
What a bunch of jerks. Man, these guys... nerdbags? NO THANK YOU! The only possible thing that's worse than being stupid, or a racist, is, say it with me folks, being intelligent. I mean, who the fuck do you think you are? Look guys, we all know that intelligence is an illusion and ignorance is bliss, we know that, so what's with all these fuckin' nerds trying to get us to learn things and know how to spell things and communicate properly? I mean, if you don't understand me, that's your problem, amirite ladies? Language isn't a tool to communicate ideas or information or convey emotion or express ourselves or any of that stupid garbage, it's a tool to make people feel bad about being smart and relay cryptic nonsense that no one can understand. GET WITH IT PEOPLE! This is the information age, and that means the time for information is long gone. Ignorance, stupidity, and blind hatred is where it's at, folks, knowing how to spell is old school, pretending to be a moron when people call you out on being a moron is just how it's done, son.

Look guys, here's the deal, nerdbongs is rife with no-fluff, straightforward nerd talk by nerds for nerds and by nerds. As you're all probably well aware I write for this site myself, as a self-declared nerdy nerdinista, and I take some smidgen of pride in my work there. But that's IT, okay? I may have gathered a bit of a twippler following for my classic article "5 Secret Celebrity Endorsements for Classic Nerd Tech That You Didn't Think Happened and Why They Aren't Right About It and What That Says About You" on nedbegs, FINE, I admit it. And yes, I've had a working relationship with the founder and administrator of nardballs.co.jp, Steven Inbruges, for the past 5 years that's been an incredibly rewarding experience for me, both professionally and emotionally, ALRIGHT, that's a given. But that doesn't mean that I respect the guy. The fact is that nerdfags' curious decision to focus on intelligent discourse and not sounding like a moron is pretty much the worst kind of drivel that you can find on the whole of the internet.

Worst Feature: The titular "nerd bags" that they sell in the shop are of exceedingly poor quality, and mine fell to pieces within a matter of days. Therefore, nerdbags are dumb.

4. Shit.com, Fedoralords.org, & Tumblerswjs.net
And now we come to the real final boss of shitty websites. This trio, the triumverate of the opposite of good, is truly the worst the internet as a whole has to offer. Now I know that I just said the exact same thing about the previous three entries, but this time I totally mean it. See, those last three were just a warm up for these next three, the tea before supper, or the never-ending blooming onion before the breadsticks, if you will. See what makes these three so awful, above and beyond even the miserable Goons.com, is because Helen Newt said so on youtube. Which, in case you forgot, is what I'm basing this entire listicle on. Look fellow Malers and Malettes, those greater than arrows don't lie and shit.com is clearly way on the other side of manbags, a fact accentuated by their very domain name. While in other parts of the world I know the shit com (shituational comedy) has really take over the airwaves, here in god's one true promised land of America we don't take kindly to shit or shit-based humor. Fart jokes? Pfft, no thanks. If you want fart jokes then you can move back to Mexico, friend.

And who could forget about fedoralords, the cherished 80's cartoon well understood to be little more than a 30 minute toy commercial, rebooted by big budget modern hollywood money. Widely considered to be the most poisonous, disgusting crap to hit the screens since 1992's race riots, the Fedoralords reboot (stylized as FEDORALORDS) follows the story of Jason Beaver and Smiley Lohan as they race against the clock to discover the secret power source that will reactivate the Femaboards so they can do battle with their age old enemies the Disruptifags. I hated it and felt cheated, so of course I naturally went to see each of the three sequels on opening day and complain about it on their website.

Tamberinejews is where all human decency goes to die. I've seen posts there that would make your blood run cold. Of course we're all familiar with swj's, or "Single White Jeeps" for short, but what you probably haven't heard is just how fucked up these people really are. The seedy underbelly of their little community is just full of guys who drive Jeeps, are single, and white. And if you think that's bad, then take a look at this Family Guy reference:

Worst Feature: The typeface on fedonkinhordes.net is really hard to read. Hey, I'm not known for being snooty about fonts, but if you're not using courier new then get the fuck out. Again, my perspective is the only correct one, and anyone from bangdads, madfads, sadsacks or fatbacks who says otherwise it is a fool.

*The 1992 race riots® are a wholly owned subsidiary of the Google Corporation©®™

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